Meet Me Under the Eiffel Tower
Disclaimer: Names have been changed for privacy reasons
You never really think about losing your best friend in the way you may think about losing a romantic relationship. In a relationship you may think “I love this person so much, I really hope we can stay together for a long time” because blindly convincing yourself that you’re gonna be with that person forever can lead to a pretty devastating heartbreak. A best friend is someone you share your secrets with, someone who understands you in a way that most people may not. They’re there during your ups and downs, with the tissues in hand when you go through that inevitable heartbreak. I met Stephanie back when we were in 6th grade. She was so shy and insecure about herself but I always reminded her that she is beautiful no matter what. In middle school it was actually a big group of us, but throughout the years we all started to fall apart as life usually does with friends. No bad blood between any of us, we just went our separate ways. But me and Stephanie always remained somewhat close. When we started high school at separate schools, I remember us telling each other about what our schools were like and the cliques and the drama. When she started dating her boyfriend, Matthew I didn’t think much of it just that he was so sweet to me. One of my earliest memories is running into him on the street near my moms building (me and Stephanie both lived in the same building for a while) and when he recognized me he got this big smile on his face! Like I was an old friend he hadn’t seen in years. It really solidified my opinion of him that he was gonna be a good guy to Stephanie and I’m happy they found each other. Over the years, the 3 of us started to hang out more and more. Guess this is the story of how I lost 2 best friends.
One of the things I’ve always admired about Steph is how much she does for the people she loves and how she takes care of them. Of course being the Cancer she is, her motherly-ness came out especially with her younger siblings. She understood the pressures of being the eldest daughter in a latinx household. She was constantly taking care of her people and even though I know it wears her down, she shows up regardless. Once we both graduated highschool, the 3 of us started to hang out more together. We’d walk around, go to Central Park, go to Union Square, get some Starbucks, go out to eat, hang out at her place, hang out at Matthew’s, or that 24 hour diner near Washington Square Park where we would order something random and sit there for as long as we could before the waiters started to give us dirty looks. Don’t worry, the place was literally always empty and we got coffee refills. We would do anything except go to bars cause none of us were 21 yet. We would joke about how once we turned 21 we would go to all these bars and clubs and just live our best lives. I loved spending time with them because even though they seemed like a “package deal” as most couples are, they never made me feel like a 3rd wheel. I was having the college life adventures with them I always wanted to have, with a 10pm curfew cause I lived at home and what mom says goes. Of course it wasn’t always the 3 of us, sometimes when it was just me and Stephanie we would sit and just talk. We talked alot about everything. She usually knew the drama that was going on at home and I would know her home drama as well. We were always there supporting and listening to one another. When she decided to go to makeup school, I was so immensely proud of her. Seeing her shape her talent for makeup was so inspiring to see. She also supported me and my hobbies. Always praised my photography and when I told her I wanted to start a zine one day (may not happen now but it was a good idea) she was so excited. Even when it came to my writing, she read a piece I had written back in college and texted back “omg this is amazing! Can I share this? How can I support you?” That was our relationship summed up in a text. We lifted each other up as much as we could because life is hard and sometimes you need your best friend there on the sidelines cheering you on while you venture into the next thing.
Stephanie was also there during some of my darkest moments. She knew a lot of the details regarding my relationship with my father. She has seen me cry out of my frustration with him. We’ve both cried to each other about different things at different points in our lives. I was not afraid to be vulnerable with her because I knew she got me and I got her. My friendship with her was one of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had in my life. Even when I was doing something that had a lot of red flags, she voiced her concerns but held my hand through it anyways. Only a real friend would wipe your tears at a McDonalds at 10pm. I think that is one of the things I miss most about her, it was my ability to be that vulnerable with someone. That kind of trust just doesn’t happen overnight. It was years of friendship that eventually brought us to that point. I have written her letters both angry and sad just trying to get all these feelings out of me before just saving them into my computer knowing I will never actually have the guts to send them to her.
The last time I saw Stephanie was on her 22nd birthday. Her family was eating at a restaurant nearby where I lived and so we ate some food, talked, sang some karaoke, and ate some delicious cake! It was a good night and when we said goodbye to each other, I didn’t think it would be the last time. The weeks following her birthday were busy, I was invited to a bridal shower/brunch and it was my mom’s birthday so me and my family went away for a few days to Niagara falls. Come August I was seeing my grandma and aunt who came to the US to visit. They are family from my father’s side, so I made an effort to see them even if I don’t have the best relationship with my dad. I knew the fall semester was coming up so I had asked Stephanie if she wanted to hang out. There were days that went by where she wouldn’t answer my text, which was unlike her. A day yes, but more than 2 was unheard of. After that she just kept coming up with excuses as to why she couldn’t hang out. It was weird but I brushed it off and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then she just completely stopped replying. Silence. I was so confused I have no idea what might have brought upon this reaction. After two months of not speaking to me she broke her silence one final time to wish me a “Happy Birthday” and that she was sorry but she was just in a “weird place.” I didn’t press for more details because clearly if she wanted to talk about it, she would. We talked about everything and it really hurt me that whatever she was going through resulted in her cutting me out of her life. I should’ve asked for more details but I was just dumbfounded. I spent that entire fall semester feeling so miserable with my life. Since I didn’t really have any friends besides Stephanie and Matthew, my life was just work, school and sleep. Sometimes I would go an entire day without having a genuine conversation with someone. It was one of my lowest points. It hit harder knowing that the one person I wanted to talk to about it, was the cause of my pain. Till this day I have no idea what prompted her to cut me off so abruptly. I cried so much about it in the beginning, I actually felt like I was going crazy trying to come up with different theories as to why she suddenly cut me off. Going over our last time together over and over in my head. Going over all our conversations trying to figure out where we went wrong. When you lose someone it’s usually just life that drifts you apart, or you have some sort of falling out. But in this case, none of those applied. I was just ghosted.
Eventually around June of 2019 after not seeing or talking to Stephanie foralmost a year at that point, I decided I needed to go to therapy. I think I would have eventually gone back, but Stephanie’s sudden disappearance from my life really pushed me over the edge. I was tired of crying all the time and feeling this sharp pain in my chest everytime I missed her. It physically hurt me to miss her and if I’m being honest, it still does a little. Of course we didn’t just talk about her in therapy, but one of the things I didn’t realize I was doing over the course of the year, was grieving the relationship. It felt silly to call it grief because she is very much still alive, living her life in the same city I’m in, just without me. But she is gone from my life and the only thing I have left of her are memories of our past selves. People who we are never going to be again. For better or for worse, I am no longer the same person who she last saw on her 22nd birthday and I’m sure neither is she. I’ve cried so much about how much it hurts to feel abandoned and how the only other time I’ve felt that emotion was when talking about my father. I feel so much hesitation about getting close to someone in a friendship kind of way. When my two favorite co-workers started to date, it reminded me of hanging out with Stephanie and Matthew. Not a lot, but enough so that it hurt just a little bit sitting with them and laughing. In an alternate timeline, I would be laughing with them about something dumb but they aren’t here anymore. I think I’m finally getting to the acceptance stage of grief.
In the beginning of 2020, I decided it was time for me to make friends (especially outside of work). I didn’t make any friends in college and a lot of my childhood friends are gone now or we grew apart as that does tend to happen. But of course, with the pandemic, the days of meeting people in person were long gone. It felt like the universe was laughing at me. The first few months of quarantine brought back a lot of those initial feelings of feeling hurt and abandoned by Stephanie. As the months went by I realized there would be weeks where I wouldnt think about her, sometimes I would think about her all day. I know it must sound crazy but I really did just miss her, especially during a time where people were feeling more isolated than ever. I even joined Bumble BFF after a little encouragement from my girlfriend to make some friends, but sometimes I would get frustrated talking to people and not automatically having the 10 years of friendship connection I had with Stephanie. I have come to the realization I may never get an explanation of what happened. I spent months blaming myself over hypothetical scenarios over what I could have possibly done, but the truth is, it’s not fair to blame myself if I don’t even know what happened. I can’t say for certain it was my fault, but maybe it was. Whatever I did, I am sorry, truly. But what is not okay is for her to hide from me instead of telling me the truth. That is unforgivable and I know our friendship is long gone now. Gone are the days of us sitting and talking for hours, and listening to her talk about makeup or a new band she likes. We’ll never have another sleepover and wake up the next morning to go to a diner. No more emo-nites at dingy bars in Brooklyn or visiting her in City Island exploring Matthew’s childhood neighborhood. I was told that sometimes people are in your life for a specific time in your life, they serve their purpose and then they leave. Honestly, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through my last year of highschool and college without her by my side. So thank you Stephanie, for all the wonderful memories we made. From walking home from the bus stop at 12 years old to getting wine drunk together at 21. I still have all the birthday and christmas cards you’ve given me and I read them sometimes when I miss you the most. You always knew what to say and made me feel so special to be a part of your life. I hope whatever you are doing in life and wherever you are, you are happy, safe and loved. I am still rooting to see your makeup looks be tagged by a model or in a magazine someday. I think a part of me will always be angry and love you at the same time. We never did get to go to Paris together like we always said we would, what a shame.
